One girl and one boy is just not enough.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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