Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
he saw my boobs and came all over himself... there goes my whole night.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Randomize
