my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
