I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Randomize
