with your own penis?
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
