bring money and cleavage
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Randomize
