You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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