so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
