You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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