Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
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