Where is the hickey?
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
can i drink enough to forget this semester even happened?
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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