We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
Only I could turn my one night stands into class essays. Go me.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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