sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
