I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
