Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
well, atleast the road to alcoholism is fun.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
