i've alrwady decidided boys hate me plkease take notyes.
what
nvm
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Randomize