My sheets look like a crime scene.
I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
there is glitter all over my balls
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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