Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
you must be at least a level 5 friend to unlock my sexual orientation
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
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