Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
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