Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
