i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
