i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
just to let you know, its not cheating if i cant feel my hands.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
