I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
She actually said during sex "the only thing that would make this more perfect is if we were listening to Lenny Kravitz"
So, obviously, you had to give a fake number this morning.
Yes. Also, we may never be able to go back to that bar again.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I hate that I will forever be known as the girl who puked on the front lawn. That only happened once.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
I have acquired a mango...tonight is successful so far
Her name is susan
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