Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
Randomize
