he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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