Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
She introduced me as that girl Nathan was fingering
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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