I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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