I accidentally burped into my bong.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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