i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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