taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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