Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
