I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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