I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
