If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize