She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
