She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
