Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
Randomize
