ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
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