M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
why do cheetos always look like penises
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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