she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
EVEN AFTER ALL THAT COMPLAINING... STILL NO PENIS
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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