sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
