Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
As shirtless as possible
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
