please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
