A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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