i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
