I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
