dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
