its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
