So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
me blowing you awake is the exact turn i want our relationship to take
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
Randomize
