I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
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