i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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