I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You've changed since you got that strap on
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
You left your phone here
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