I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
