We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
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