Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
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