You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Randomize
