She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
And then he said "I can't get blown while Gordon Bombay and Mr. Holland stare at me from the TV"
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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