happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
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