I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
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