we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
