I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
everyone made a circle around them and startd chanting fight fight. they wernt fighting, they were dry humping
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
Randomize
